When I was in ninth grade I learned the word "protagonist." This was what I was looking for. A word to describe someone who faces the human condition, makes choices, and deals with the consequences of those choices. A protagonist is more than just the main character, it is a fully human character that faces all of the reality of life with all of their being.
I had been a very feminist child growing up in a very conservative and anti-feminist household. I didn't know that I was feminist at that time--I was told that feminism was man-hating. I wanted to be treated as though I was first human, and only in terms of reproduction female. I was deeply frustrated by the lack of female role models in my life.
In church women were valued only as their role of wife and mother. I knew that my life could have value even if I never married or had children. Perhaps if I could sing I would have felt differently, because women were allowed to sing solos in the church choir. But I couldn't sing very well, and I wanted to be important.
I wanted to see women doing important things. I wanted to be able to read stories about female characters dealing with all the 99% of life that isn't focused on marriage, bearing and raising children. Not that I didn't want to be a mother, but I knew that it would be years before I reached that stage of my life and I wanted to know how to be a good human in the meantime.
About the same time that I learned the word protagonist I also was required to read The Catcher in The Rye which just infuriated me. An entire novel that seemed to me to be just an angsty whining somewhat vulgar narrative--which was of course completely and utterly gendered as male. But the worst part was how I was told what an important work this was, how Houlden Caufield's story was THE coming of age story. This was right after we had just read Great Expectations, another decidedly male coming of age narrative (one I liked).
I just wanted to be the protagonist in my own life story. This is perfectly normal if you're a boy, but groundbreaking if you're not. There exists no schema, no story-line to follow, for women who want to be protagonists.
I had been a very feminist child growing up in a very conservative and anti-feminist household. I didn't know that I was feminist at that time--I was told that feminism was man-hating. I wanted to be treated as though I was first human, and only in terms of reproduction female. I was deeply frustrated by the lack of female role models in my life.
In church women were valued only as their role of wife and mother. I knew that my life could have value even if I never married or had children. Perhaps if I could sing I would have felt differently, because women were allowed to sing solos in the church choir. But I couldn't sing very well, and I wanted to be important.
I wanted to see women doing important things. I wanted to be able to read stories about female characters dealing with all the 99% of life that isn't focused on marriage, bearing and raising children. Not that I didn't want to be a mother, but I knew that it would be years before I reached that stage of my life and I wanted to know how to be a good human in the meantime.
About the same time that I learned the word protagonist I also was required to read The Catcher in The Rye which just infuriated me. An entire novel that seemed to me to be just an angsty whining somewhat vulgar narrative--which was of course completely and utterly gendered as male. But the worst part was how I was told what an important work this was, how Houlden Caufield's story was THE coming of age story. This was right after we had just read Great Expectations, another decidedly male coming of age narrative (one I liked).
I just wanted to be the protagonist in my own life story. This is perfectly normal if you're a boy, but groundbreaking if you're not. There exists no schema, no story-line to follow, for women who want to be protagonists.
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